Two women, both forty-something, are sitting in a café, talking about hormones, housework, and their teenage children:
'I've got a feeling that Sarah (17) might have started sleeping with Michael. She hasn't said anything of course - that would mean actually speaking to me - but she's more secretive than ever and she's never at home - she spends far more time with him than she does with us.'
'At least that's normal enough in this day and age. I wish to God that Daniel (17) had a girlfriend - he doesn't show the slightest interest.'
'But he's so good-looking! Oh Jenny - you don't think. . . . ?'
'Yes I do, I do - Oh Jane, what did I do wrong? This has got to be my fault. Should I say something to him? Or take him to the doctor? I can't say anything to Richard (husband) - he'd go ballistic. I must have over-mothered him - Richard's always said that. I can't bear it, Jane. I feel like I don't know him any more. My own boy, a stranger to me!'
Jenny is not the only one who is feeling unhappy. Her son, Daniel, is unhappy too - anxious, confused and depressed. He has had concerns about his sexuality for the last two or three years, ever since he fell deeply in love with James, his classmate and the Captain of his football team. At first he tried to tell himself that these feelings were normal - what teenager doesn't get same-sex infatuations with sporting heroes and the like? Eventually, Daniel had to admit to himself that he was sexually obsessed with James. That was bad enough, but then it just got worse. Whilst all his friends were thinking of nothing but girls and sex with girls, Daniel found himself thinking constantly about other males. It was terrifying - sometimes he felt almost suicidal. How on earth could he ever admit to anyone that he wasn't a 'real' man - that he was gay.
The teenage years are years of enormous change and, consequently, of enormous anxiety. One of the most persistent worries is to do with sexuality. Teenagers agonise over sex - are they sexy enough?, will they be able to do it?, will it hurt?, will anyone ever fancy them?, have they got the right equipment?, are they gay?. Modern liberal culture tells them that sex is there for the taking and there to be enjoyed in whatever form. Many young women - the so-called lipstick lesbians - cheerfully flirt with one another and, in some circles at least, bi-sexual experimentation is downright 'cool'. However, a lot of young people (particularly young men) feel that although bi-sexuality and homosexuality are fine, it is not something they want for themselves. They just want to be 'mainstream'.
Sexuality is not something that develops overnight - it is a gradual process throughout adolescence. For some young people, then, homosexuality is simply a phase that they go through. Infatuations with same-sex heroes are virtually universal and same-sex experimentation is probably a lot more common than anyone realises. Some homosexual people say that they always knew that they were gay - that there was never any doubt - but for the majority it is not so simple. The main thing to hold on to here is that it's fine to be unsure.
The other thing to remember about sexuality is that there is a wide spectrum of sexual orientation. Some people are exclusively gay or exclusively straight but the majority are actually somewhere in between. So it is quite normal, say, to have a sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex but, at the same time, to have occasional homosexual thoughts or fantasies. Deciding whether you are gay or straight is about listening to your gut feelings rather than gathering evidence.
For a parent, anything to do with our children and sex tends to be particularly highly charged. All parents tend to cling to subconscious fantasies with regard to their children - 'my baby daughter will never be a terrible toddler', 'my son will never take drugs'. When it comes to sex, it can be hard for parents even to acknowledge that their son/daughter has sexual feelings at all. Realising that your child may not follow the 'traditional' path in terms of sex and relationships can cause even more distress - almost a kind of mourning. You may have to abandon some of your dreams - of a white wedding, of lots of little grandchildren who look a bit like you. Fathers, in particular, may have a particular issue with the idea of a gay son. Frantic, furious denial is a common reaction, as is desperate guilt (I wasn't around enough!). These reactions are perfectly normal, not something to beat yourself up about, BUT they will not help your frightened, confused, unhappy teenager. What your teen needs, above all, is support . That doesn't mean denying or ignoring your own feelings but it does mean making your child's wellbeing your number one priority.
So what could Jenny say to Daniel that might encourage him to open up to her? Perhaps something like:
'I want to let you know that if you're having feelings that are different from your mates, it's ok to tell me. There's nothing you can say to me that's going to make me love you less or be less proud of you.'
And if Daniel does 'come out' and admit his feelings about his sexuality, perhaps what he needs to hear from his father is;
'I love you just the same - you're the same son to me that you were 5 minutes ago.'
This might be very hard to say because, in reality, Jenny and Richard might be feeling totally shattered - they might be feeling that this is the worst thing in the world and that Daniel has become almost a stranger to them. But the fact is that they can't change what Daniel feels - homosexuality is not an illness that can be treated - their own distress is not going to change Daniel's sexual orientation. What Jenny and Richard can change is how Daniel feels about himself - his self-esteem. So what they need to hold onto is that Daniel is still Daniel, that sexuality is just a preference - nothing deep or sinister - and that, in this day and age, it is no big deal to be gay - there are hefty laws against discrimination and there are plenty of openly gay men and women in public life. What's more, the wedding and the grandchildren can still happen - just in a slightly different way.
Perhaps one of the hardest things about parenting a teenager is having to come to terms with the fact that they are people in their own right - separate individuals with their own values, preferences and opinions. Increasingly, as parents, we can no longer control or decide for them, but it remains as important as ever to connect, to support and to maintain a relationship. That is what gives them the strength to be ok with who they are and stands them in good stead for becoming emotionally healthy adults.