'Go on Charlotte - nick one, I dare you! What's the matter - are you scared? What would Mummy Wummy say? For God's sake, it's only a lipstick'
Charlotte sidled up to the counter, desperately trying to look casual. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she was sure that her face must be scarlet. She could feel the eyes of the other girls boring into her. . . . . .
Charlotte is 15. She comes from a respectable home and goes to a good school. She is clever enough and attractive enough. She has a small circle of close friends. None of this means much to her though, because, more than anything, Charlotte longs to be a part of Emma's group. Emma is sophisticated and glamorous. She has loads of fashionable clothes, she wears lots of make-up, she has a gorgeous boyfriend with whom, she says, she has amazing sex. She is just like a celebrity in a magazine and the other girls in Charlotte's class will go to any length to emulate her style. Today, Charlotte has bumped into Emma and her acolytes in town. They are on a shop-lifting spree and, joy of joys, instead of ignoring Charlotte, they have invited her to join them. This is Charlotte's chance to show that she can fit in - perhaps the only chance she will get. . . . . .
To a teenager, the importance of 'fitting in' is simply huge. More than anything in the world they want to be accepted by their peers and to be seen as 'cool' in the eyes of their friends. Look at any group of teenagers out and about - they dress the same, their haircuts are the same, they talk the same way, even walk the same way. It might seem ridiculous to those of us who have safely made it to the world of adulthood but the point is that teenagers (even the 'coolest' and the ones with most 'attitude') are actually very vulnerable - still children inside those big bodies. They feel safest when they are part of a secure group of their peers. There is nothing worse to a teenager than not belonging, than 'standing out' whether by means of an old-fashioned haircut, the wrong accent or geeky trainers.
The result of this is that teenagers feel under enormous pressure. They feel forced by the demands of their friends and by the messages bombarded daily at them by the media, to ignore or reject their parents and to follow fashion by wearing designer clothes, drinking, having sex, taking drugs, swearing at every opportunity etc. Their peer group acts as a kind of 'second family' and exercises an increasingly powerful influence.
For a parent, this can be extremely worrying. Every parent knows that the teenage years are about children growing up and establishing increasing independence from their parents, but it can be very frightening to feel that your teenager's friends have more influence over your child than you do, and it can be horrifying to see your teenager plunging into 'adult' activities long before they are emotionally ready, or acting in a way that they know you would not be happy with.
14 year old Sam has become friendly with some boys on his estate. Everything about him has changed dramatically. He has coloured his hair, he dresses differently. He wants to be with his new friends all the time and gets angry and resentful when his parents require him to be elsewhere or set time-limits for coming home. His mother has heard from neighbours that Sam's group wander around the estate deliberately damaging property and swearing at people. Apparently, they are also involved in viciously bullying a group of younger boys. Sam's mother can hardly believe it - she has always taught Sam that respect and kindness matter more than anything. What has happened to the son she thought she knew?
What Can Be Done?
There is only so much you can do to discourage bad influences and friendships you consider to be unsuitable. If you try to exert too much control you run the risk of increasing your teenager's feelings of resentment and actually reinforcing the friendships or behaviours you are not happy with. The key, therefore, is not to control or dictate but to help your teenager to cope with specific peer pressures.
- Be clear about your own values and communicate these confidently in conversation. Try not to preach but do state your position and your reasons for it. Teenagers actually feel safer and happier when their parents provide clear moral guidelines - it provides a rock of certainty in a world where everything seems up for grabs and anything goes.
- Chat about the issues that are affecting your teenager - listen to what they have to say and talk it through with them. Think of yourself as an adult friend to your son or daughter - someone who can act as a kind of sounding board while they work out what matters to them and what their core values are. Give them tips from your own experience. Brainstorm solutions to problems.
- Connect with your son or daughter - make it your job to keep up with the little details of their lives - who their friends are, what they're doing at school etc. - you can't hope to have much influence if 90% of their life is a mystery to you. Don't worry if they don't seem to want to connect with you - just keep showing an interest in them and keep showing you care.
- Make a special effort to expose your teens to other adult mentors - this is especially important for boys as boys need strong male mentors, especially if Dad is not around much.
- Think about your teenager's core self-esteem. Real self-esteem does not come from simply fitting in with friends or from emulating idols. It comes from feeling fundamentally loved and valued as a person, regardless of failures or achievements. If you can communicate to your son or daughter that you love them unconditionally, you will give them a strong base self-esteem - the deep-seated feeling that they are someone of worth and that they do not have to copy others to be ok as a person.
- Encourage a range of interests in your teenager's life - this helps to keep them busy and active and ensures that they are not always with the same group of people.
It also helps to give your teen tips for handling peer pressure in specific situations. Here are a few ideas for you to pass on to your teen for them to use:-
- Plan ahead. If you know you are going to be put under pressure to drink alcohol at a party, work out in advance how you are going to deal with it.
- Practise what you are going to say and prepare for the responses you are likely to get - a clear, well-rehearsed mental script means you are a lot less likely to be caught off-guard and to end up giving in to pressure.
- Arrange a coded 'bail out' - e.g. 'I felt sick earlier today and now it's coming back. I'm going to phone my Dad'.
- Prepare excuses - 'I've got football training in the morning', 'I'm on antibiotics'.
- Blame the parents - 'My Dad would kill me'.
- When stating your position on something, keep it short and to the point - 'I don't think stealing/bullying is right' - then walk away.
- Ask for thinking time - 'I need time to think about this'.
- Refuse to let yourself down - caving in to pressure from others damages your self-esteem. Hang on to your self-respect.
- Standing up for what you believe will earn you a lot more respect in the long run. Anyone can be a sheep - it's far more interesting and courageous to swim against the tide. You may be surprised by how many people choose to follow you if you refuse to go along with the group.
Peer pressure is an inevitable part of being a teenager. As a parent, your job is to have confidence in your own values and gut feelings and to help your teenager to develop values that he or she is prepared to stand by. Belonging matters but knowing who we are and what we believe in matters more.