FACT: Britain has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection in Europe.
FACT: Approximately one third of young people will have sexual intercourse before the age of 16.
FACT: Research clearly shows that young people who can talk openly with their parents about sex tend to delay having sex and are more likely to practise safe sex.
As a parent, you will have given your children endless safety messages and pieces of advice - 'don't touch a hot stove', 'only cross the road when the green man is showing', 'think before you act' etc. Even though you know that they get told these things at school and elsewhere, you still give the message yourself. Yet when it comes to sex, it just isn't so easy. Perhaps you feel embarrassed or perhaps you feel that there is nothing you can tell them that they don't already know and that they will simply see you as an old fool. But the fact is that, whatever our finer feelings may be, THIS MATTERS. Young people are inundated with information and advice about sex (often conflicting) from other sources. They desperately need honest, open discussion with the key responsible adults in their lives - their parents or carers. We owe it to our teenagers to make sure that we are in possession of up to date information on this subject and to make sure that we communicate openly with them - not just the facts but also the feelings and values involved. Your son or daughter may appear to not be listening but chances are he or she is very interested indeed.
So how can you get this sort of conversation started? Here are some pointers:
- Start talking about sex when your children are still young and there is less awkwardness. That way the language of sex becomes a natural part of communication within the family.
- Use television programmes or magazine articles as a starting point - it's often much easier to talk about other people to begin with.
- Find out what the school is doing (sex education is not standard throughout the country) so that you can supplement appropriately.
- Talk to other parents and share tips.
- Collect leaflets on contraception and sexually transmitted infections (available from any surgery) and read them with your teenager.
- Be aware that your teenager is growing up and needs privacy but communicate your ongoing concern and support for them. So offer to attend clinic appointments with them but remember that medical confidentiality applies equally to young people and that health professionals are not obliged to involve parents in any discussion about contraception or sexual health.
- Remember that talk about sex is an ongoing conversation, NOT a one-off lecture. Circumstances change constantly so keep the discussion going.
- Listen to your teenager. It isn't up to you to do all the talking. Ask open-ended questions - 'what do you think?', 'what do you feel about…?' - and let them tell you how it is in their world. It may be very different from how it was for you as a teenager.
- Talk about the feelings and emotions of relationships - not just the biology.
Is Your Teenager Ready For Sex?
Young people are biologically ready for sex from a fairly early age - the onset of puberty is, on average, earlier than it was a generation ago. It is accepted that the normal age for a girl to begin to develop the first signs of puberty is 10 and above. Boys develop slightly later, generally at eleven-and-a-half. However there is no correlation between physical readiness and emotional readiness - today's children are no quicker to mature emotionally than their parents or grandparents were - despite appearances to the contrary. So how can a teenager know when he or she is emotionally ready for a sexual relationship with a partner? Take the case of 16 year old Emily. Emily has been going out with her boyfriend, Jake, for six months now and Jake is keen for them to start having sex. Emily is unsure. It might help to suggest she asks herself the following questions:
- Do I really want to do this?
- Am I doing this because I think that all my friends are having sex and I want to keep up with them?
- Am I doing this because I am afraid that Jake might dump me if I say 'no'?
- Do I trust Jake - do I feel safe enough with him to make myself so vulnerable?
- Do I feel that I really know Jake and that I am comfortable enough to be myself when I am with him?
- Do I know everything that I need to know about contraception and safe sex and am I sure that I would follow through on this?
- Could I have sex with Jake without having to get drunk first?
- What advice would I give to a close friend or younger sibling who was in this position?
- How will I feel about this in ten years time when I look back? Is this how I want to remember losing my virginity?
Am I Gay?
Teenagers are often confused about their sexuality. Many young people will experience homosexual attraction and may feel extremely anxious about this. Talking about homosexuality with parents is even harder than talking about straight sex. It helps if, as a parent, you can try to be as open-minded as possible (even if you don't feel it). If your son or daughter is worried, reassure them that it's normal to be attracted to someone of the same sex and that there is no 'right' age for someone to decide whether they are gay or straight - it's fine to wait and see. Some people are happily married for years before they decide that they are gay whilst others just 'know' from a very early age. Be very clear that being homosexual is not abnormal - homosexual feelings do not mean that your teenager is some sort of freak - there are plenty of gay people in every walk of life. Part of being gay, however, has to mean accepting that there will always be people who disapprove.
I Think I Might Be Pregnant.
If you have a teenage daughter, this may be one of your worst fears. As a parent, you probably imagine your daughter's rosy career prospects being stalled indefinitely, whilst you yourself are landed with a new-born baby to look after - just when you thought all that was behind you. Similarly, if you are the parent of a teenage son, you may worry about what would happen if a girl became pregnant by him. Perhaps you fear that you would have no say at all, that the girl and her family would exclude you from all the decision making. Pregnancies do happen. Even the most sensible and well-informed teenagers can make mistakes. So, it pays to be prepared and to have given the issue some thought.
The most important thing that you can do for your teenager is to stay calm and to offer unconditional support - whatever your daughter or son decides to do. Many married adults feel frightened and anxious when they find themselves pregnant - imagine how much more frightening it must feel at 15/16 years old and perhaps not in a steady relationship. Your support is invaluable but it may mean that you have to put some of your own values to one side - if, for example, your daughter decides on an abortion and you are strongly anti-abortion.
Explore all your options thoroughly. Whilst a pregnancy will inevitably have a major impact on your family, it is not necessarily the complete disaster it at first appears to be. Education, for example, need not be excessively disrupted - even if your daughter can't face going to school there may be the possibility of moving to a further education college or a specialist unit for young mothers. Schemes like 'Care to Learn' offer help with childcare costs for mothers under 20. There is a lot of help available, too, in making the big decisions about whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy - all family planning and Brook clinics offer counselling services to help with exploring feelings and to offer impartial advice - your G.P. will be able to help you access these services.