My teenagers tell me everything
MY teenagers tell me everything. I know that sounds naïve. And I know that it flies in the face of all the evidence about parents not knowing the half of what their children get up to.
And I accept that it’s not normal for parents and their teens to have such an open and candid relationship. And trust me, half of the time I really wish that I didn’t know in quite such graphic detail about all my daughters’ teenage kicks
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that they do tell me – even sometimes while I’m walking in the opposite direction, waving them away and shouting that I’d rather not hear.
OK, it’s true that they don’t tell me everything straight away. There are times when they spend a few weeks or months getting comfortable with some new growing-up stage themselves before they feel confident enough to share (sometimes they like to choose a particular moment for its greatest shock value: over the dinner table when we have friends and family round is a special favourite).
And then there was the year when my elder daughter pretended that she had quit smoking, which she hadn’t. But now she says that was just to keep the peace because she couldn’t bear all the rowing it caused.
As you can imagine I was fascinated by the results of a new ICM poll which asked children about all their bad habits.
Are they taking drugs? Having sex? Having unprotected sex? Shoplifting? Looking at internet porn?
It didn’t surprise me that the children were open and honest in their replies.
But the survey went on to question a parent of each child, to find out how much they knew about their 11 to 16 year old’s behaviour.
And that was what shocked me. The parents really were living in cloud cuckoo land.
Of the children who had taken drugs, 65 per cent of their parents believed they hadn’t. Of the smokers, 52 per cent of parents didn’t know. Of the children who had lost their virginity, 50 per cent of parents were unaware.
The parents literally didn’t know the half of it.
Now I hope this doesn’t make me sound smug. I’m not claiming in any way that being in the know makes me a better mother.
It usually just makes me terrified. There are times when I am filled with admiration at my children’s bravery – and other times when I am shocked to my roots by their naivety.
And as a single mum I am constantly worried about my seeming inability to set firm boundaries.
When I was writing this I asked them whether they were ever frightened to tell me the truth. They snorted with laughter: “Hell No!”
I am still not sure whether I am supposed to take this as a compliment.
My kids’ theory is that teenagers mainly lie to keep the peace. And I know that was true in my childhood. Despite a Catholic upbringing, I never thought I was doing anything sinful by lying. I really felt I was protecting my parents from unnecessary stress.
A psychologist has recently explained how adolescents’ brains physically change during their teenage years. He explained how part of the frontal lobe actually goes through a period of deconstruction and reconstruction which is not complete until they reach about 20. One result of this is that for a while they lose the ability to understand the laws of cause and effect. In other words, children really are more sensible between the ages of seven and 12 than between 13 and 20.
It doesn’t matter what mum and dad say. It doesn’t matter what teachers say. It doesn’t matter how punchy and hard-hitting the Government safety slogans and anti-everything campaigns are.
As far as teenagers are concerned, none of those bad things are going to happen to them.
And as a parent, you can talk ‘til you’re blue in the face. You can ground them. You can stay awake all night and drive around town at midnight in your PJs and wellies screaming at them not to hang up again on their mobile, but if they decide they are going to do something, there is very little you can do to stop them.