My 14 year old son's bedroom is a pit, it's just so out of character he was always so tidy as a child with a place for everything. I'm not sure how to approach the problem, do I insist on him keeping it clean or try to ignore it when I'm not happy about it.
Kate, Kent
It can be difficult when an otherwise tidy house or room becomes messy and 'out of control' it can make you feel out of control. This is an extremely common problem whether it's just a slight mess in an otherwise chic minimalist home, or total chaos where you feel you need a tetanus jab to enter. It is often suggested to 'leave well alone' and close the door on the problem, it's not yours. However you do have a right to live in a home that is reasonably comfortable for you and other family members and it is a useful developmental task for teenagers to be aware of their impact on others.
Wherever possible ask your son for solutions and if necessary give some help to implement them. Teenagers are much better at doing something that they decided to commit to. Discuss it with him, tell him what impact it is having on you or others in the family, ask what impact it is having on him. Open communication and negotiation is vital, try to keep that going. However, I can hear many people saying 'but they don't talk to me now, they only grunt'; if this is the case use what methods you can, text him, leave a note on the fridge, write him a letter, and invite him to communicate. You may discover that he too isn't that happy about living in a mess, but doesn't know how to resolve the problem. You could give suggestions, as teenagers are young and they are still learning. Also, give practical support, sorting out a messy room isn't easy. Or you may find he feels comfortable in his own mess, that it's his space. Then the solution is about respecting that view without it impacting negatively on others; ask him how he can do that. The key is to work with your teenager, not control them, the more you try to control the more they resist.
Finally, pick and choose your battles. Is a messy room the right battle? Messy rooms are about negotiation and give and take. Stand firm on the big issues and learn to laugh, or at least live, with the smaller ones.