My daughter started secondary school in September. She is unhappy and not making friends, and I fear she is quite isolated. What can I do?
Cindy, Southampton
The transition from primary to secondary school can be daunting and not just for the child but for the parent too. You don't say how your daughter was at primary school, but for many children years 1-6 are reasonably enjoyable. However for some the journey to secondary school at eleven is a traumatic one which brings fresh and often difficult challenges for both children and their parents. A child who had friends in junior school may suddenly find herself standing alone in the playground as former friends find new and exciting company (well that's how it feels). Friends are a central component of teenagers' lives. As they begin to loosen the strong ties they had as children with their parents, friendships take on a very important position. A recent study in Scotland looking at the transition from primary to secondary school found that nearly all children in year 7 (year 6 in England) reported looking forward to one or more aspect of secondary school, the most popular being ‘making new friends'(89%) highlighting the real significance of friendships for teenagers. They also found that 9 out of 10 pupils had concerns about going to secondary school, with 55% expressing fears about not knowing anyone. An English study based on 600 pupils found that a quarter of them were worried about the consequences of not moving on with their friends.
It is so tempting to try and solve our children's problems and difficulties as it is painful to see them hurt or rejected. The ability for your daughter to cope with stress and change comes from secure affectionate relationships and positive experiences. Your support and direction will enable her to have the ability to deal with the stress and hence feel she can take some control over the situation, choosing to act rather than react. Listen to her worries, and look for an opportunity to talk. Be sensitive to what is going on and help her find solutions. You could make some plans with her about how to approach other girls at school or get involved with an extra curricular group. Maybe encourage her to invite some girls around to your home, as she will feel more confident on familiar territory.
Do remember it takes time adapting to change; almost everyone starts off a bit lost and lonely, waiting to make new friends. Your daughter will not be the only one feeling like this. It can be sad moving on from primary school; it is a significant step from being a child to becoming a teenager. Very few children remain unsettled for long, but as a parent, you should take an active interest and offer all the support you can during this period.
Be patient and most of all be emotionally there for your daughter. If things don't improve, or you feel concerned over your daughter's welfare, contact the school councillor or pastoral staff who will support you and your daughter through this transition.