I used to get on well with my 14 year old son but he seems to have changed his attitude towards me. I try to talk but he either mumbles a few words or snaps at me. I know teenagers have to grow up but I didn’t expect it to be like this. I think the world of him but I am torn between feeling sad about the changes in our relationship and angry about the way he can be so rude. Should I just ride this out or is there something else I can do?
Helen, Newcastle
The job of a teenager is to grow into a young adult capable of functioning independently which means teenagers have to actively separate themselves from their parents. This is as difficult for them as it is for the parent. They are still totally dependent for the provision of their basic needs but at the same time they have to make parents realise that they are no longer the same child.
As they change physically, and hormones flood their bodies, they experience emotions which they themselves can neither understand nor control. Like the rest of us teenagers are also affected by what they eat and drink, sleep patterns, exercise, relationships with their family and friends - not to mention what goes on at school.
Adolescence is a time when young people are struggling to establish their own identity. They know they have to learn to look after themselves - so they want to be more independent, for example staying out later, wearing clothes which they have chosen for themselves.
We have to find it within ourselves to accept that as the adults it is up to us to find the inner strength and resources to not only guide our teenagers through this difficult time, but to also come through it ourselves in as positive a way as possible.
Sometimes the anger your son seems to be directing at you is not about you at all. Try not to react and escalate the conflict. If you are feeling emotional about things which are happening to you in other areas of your life you may well end up in a full scale argument. Teach him a lesson about growing up by stating calmly that you are not going to be drawn into an argument, but if he wants to talk to you later when he has calmed down you will be available.
If you are concerned that his moods are related to serious problems, such as drugs or alcohol, seek professional advice. This doesn’t have to be via school - there are lots of agencies who can help. The more informed you are, and the more support you can get, the better. If you really are anxious don’t just wait and hope he will grow out of it. You can get more information at www.addaction.org.uk.
Let him know you love him and that you know he is going through a tough time. Explain you are there for him if and when he wants to talk.