I married for the second time last year after we had been together for several years. My wife has two teenage sons - aged 13 and 15. Since we married things have changed, especially with the older boy. He is really difficult. If I speak to him about his behaviour his response is 'You're not my dad - I don't have to listen to you'. Their father has them at weekends and we should be able to relax together but I have a daughter from my first marriage who I see on Saturdays so my wife and I have very little time together on our own. I have started to dread them coming home on Sundays. I knew when we married it wouldn't be just me and my wife but although I love her very much I am wondering if I have done the right thing. What makes it worse is that if I say anything to my wife she stands up for them and says they have had a tough time. The older boy is difficult now - what if the younger one starts to behave badly as he gets older?
Steve, Newcastle
Second marriages can be difficult without children involved. We take 'ourselves' with us into the new relationship and can find ourselves having problems similar to those we struggled with in our first marriage. The only person we can ever hope to change is ourselves - but it requires awareness, effort and determination!
To compound your difficulties however you have teenage step-sons. I sense your daughter is younger as you seem surprised by teenage behaviour and probably can't help comparing the boys with her.
You and your wife are the adults however and must draw on every resource you have in order to act responsibly together. The boys are still coming to terms with the new arrangement, partly because it will have emphasised their lack of control over what happens in their own lives. Perhaps the pre-marriage days were the 'honeymoon' period for them? Teenagers have to push the boundaries - and you are now there every day to push against!
Even if you have not played any part in the divorce both boys will feel the loss of their previous life. Remember, if his parents were still together the older one would no doubt have been difficult. If his father had been gone from the marital home for some time then, as the oldest, he may have felt he was the 'man of the house' - and resented you taking over 'his' position. His mother may have struggled to find a balance between loving him and showing discipline, leaving him unsure of his 'boundaries'.
It will take time for you all to find the best way forward. You have made a start here by acknowledging how hard this is for you. If you feel unable to discuss this with your wife find someone else who you can express your feelings to confidentially. Perhaps a counsellor? Men often do not want to talk about their feelings but it is important that your views are expressed fully.
You and your wife have made a commitment - and won't want this marriage to fail. You may ask her to go with you to Relate, reassuring her you want the marriage to be the best it can be rather than let her feel threatened. You say you have little time together but once you have taken your daughter home on Saturday can you both make that evening special - at least once a month? Commit to making time to be together to enjoy yourselves.
You are three males in one house. Can you find at least some common ground? Cars? Bikes? Sport? Chess? A programme you can all sit and watch? Something which can lead to casual conversation or even jokes and laughter.
You and their mother need to do what she would have done with the boys' father - negotiate boundaries with them: what time they come in; reasonable bed times; jobs they should do around the house; do they have to earn their spending money; rewards they get for behaving well. Talk to your wife calmly about what has gone on in the past - let her know that you understand how hard it has been for her and for them, but explain that it is different now and in order for you to do the best you can for them all you need to feel that there is mutual respect. It is also important for you and your wife to present a united front; this will show the boys you and their mother support each other and intend to make this relationship work.
You are a new kind of family, increasingly common, and although adults tend to say children are resilient, we shouldn't forget that this is because they have to be because are unable to look after themselves. Teenagers still need to be looked after - and by marrying their mother that is what you have committed to do.
Don't expect things to change over night. Be patient, and try to find positives about the boys - are they funny, kind to animals? What are they good at? What are they interested in becoming good at? It might help if you can you arrange to have time together with your daughter and your step-sons? A meal perhaps or a trip to the nearest theme park? After all, you are one extended family now.
Finally, stop projecting into the future. You have enough to deal with right now, and by the time 'the future' arrives you may find your relationship with the younger one - and hopefully with both - has changed and become something which you can enjoy.