My husband and I are divorced and I have custody of our two teenagers, aged 14 and 16, but he sees them at weekends. I find it hard hearing what they have done together as he pays me the minimum he can get away with and then takes them out for meals and buys them treats which I can’t afford. Also, as it’s the weekend they get to stay up late and eat more or less what they want. I feel like I’m the ‘tough parent’ and yet I’m the one doing all the hard work - with very little of the pleasure that he gets from them.
Susie, Norwich
This question needs to be separated out into what are the issues about you and your ex-husband and which relate to your two children's upbringing. Obviously the reasons for the divorce will affect the way in which you are able to discuss and negotiate but as the adults it is important that you try your best to work this out as amicably as possible.
Your children love you both and have presumably gone along with the arrangements which you and your husband thought most suitable. Money issues need to be discussed privately with your ex-husband. If you genuinely feel he is not paying a fair amount perhaps you could consult your solicitor. However many 'part-time' parents will spend more than they can afford in order to try to make up for missed time. Perhaps your husband can't really afford these treats but has got into the habit of providing them?
Before you meet have a clear idea of what outcomes you want:
Finances: Discuss what are your basic and everyday costs for the children and compare them with what he is spending on them at weekends; note down in advance the specific costs - including school meals and fares; necessary clothing and footwear costs; spending money; etc. You may be able to negotiate that he gives them spending money instead of it coming out of your budget and instead of him buying them treats. They are both old enough to then choose how they spend this money and it is also appropriate that they learn how to budget and save for what they want.
Your husband may be really cutting back in the week in order to treat the children to meals out - so check with him first before you assume the worst and try to explain your views calmly and rationally whilst also being prepared to listen to his opinion. Hopefully he will then be open to finding an amicable solution.
Routines: At weekends most people behave in a more relaxed manner but it is still important that the two of you, even though living separately, have agreements about what it suitable for teenagers of 14 and 16 to do. What is a reasonable time for them to go to bed at weekend do you think? What time would you let them stay up till if they were with you? Don't forget that you might be glad to see them go upstairs after a hard day but your husband who hasn't seen them all week may be glad of the extra time with them. Take their views into account on this too. As far as food is concerned - if you are making sure that they are eating healthily in the week - and that they know what healthy food is and why it is important - then hopefully they will not suffer too much from a more 'relaxed' approach at weekend. If you feel it is really inappropriate - and there are issues around weight gain or loss, acne, etc then again do your best to make sure your children know what is healthy for them.
After that you have done all you reasonably can! Instead of feeling upset about what is, or isn't happening, when they are away from you start to find ways of filling your time enjoyably and make the most of the 'me' time. If you have enjoyed your free weekend then you are more likely to be able to welcome them home with tales of what you have done rather than be upset about what they have done.
If you can face it get them to help you in the week with housework rather than just doing it all yourself when they are away. This is good practice for when they are ready to leave home in the future and it will help them view you differently if they see you developing a life of your own and not being overly anxious about their time with their father. The main thing is that they feel loved and wanted by both of you.